Sarah’s Blog

This has been a very life changing year for our family…Tony calls it a “game changer”.  Many of you have journeyed with us this past 12 months and we are thankful for your support and love.  If I could use one word or maybe color to wrap up our year it is PINK.  ”Pink” entered our life in a very powerful way.  As I refelct it is ridiculous…pink phone, pink planner, pink camera, pink diaper bag, pink clothes, pink blankets, pink bows and most importantly the girl who brought it all into our family – ANGELINA GRACE.

I wish it was that simple and somedays it is, but this year brought more depth than I was ready for.  Tony said I grew up a lot this year and although I am not sure that is true here is a glimpse of our 2009.  Each month has reoccuring monday night “family nights”, we added a date night every other week to to keep our sanity and marriage strong with the massive demand of two kids.  Real Life luncheon monthly on the first Tuesday, Bible studies, weekly BSF, accountability groups and most important friendships.

January - I kept growing and growing and was happy to be stuck in the house in the thick of winter.  An incredible baby shower occurred and pink dresses and many girl clothes started to hang in our closests.  We painted and moved around 3 rooms in our house in anticipation of our daughter.  Along with many trips to the library and constant laughs from our two year old!

February –  After a weekend getaway with Tony, a couples massage and Big Sibling class the 25th could not have come quick enough.  Angelina Grace Totta entered our world and we have never been the same.  Although our plans were to be induced she had a plan of her own.  Angelina came on her own in the middle of the night.  What a moment and precious gift from God!  Anthony’s first words to us after seeing her were “OH I JUST LOVE HER”.  He has been the stellar big brother we had hoped for and although he is a little too rough at times he is doing a great job with his new role! (he gives the phrase “love her to death” a new meaning)

March – A lot of family visits and us falling more in love with our daughter.  I love to doll her all up in bows, bracelets, clothes and just about any accessory I can get my hands on.  I love more that she is so passive and just lets me, and sometimes even grins at me while I get her ready.  It is like she is telling me you only have so long mom then I get to pick my own stuff!   We also welcomed Bradley Morris Gleiser into our family who is Tony’s sister Carrie third baby.  He was born just two weeks after Angelina.

April – Held many play dates, warmer weather, a lot of diapers and hard work keeping up home.  Our lives are much less glamourous now days…it comes less in form of money and vacations and more in smiles, laughs and time with the kids.  April also included a visit from Aunt Nicole and a lot of fun time together.  Our church met the deadline for Easter Sunday and we celebrated along with our families at our new church gathering location downtown.  It is a beautiful space and we look forward to having it house many of our future activities!

May – Brought us a surprise Girls weekend from my sister-in-law and two cousins who came just exactly at the right time!  At the end of the month, we took a vacation to Lake Powell with my family where we rented a house boat and jet ski!  It was an incredible memory with my siblings, parents and grand parents!  We also painted our house…well our family Kim and Chris did for us!

June – Wedding week started out our month and the excitement continued as we welcomed Bri McCulley into our family.  Ben and Bri were married downtown KC on June 6th and it was a gorgeous day.  We could not be more happy about his wonderful wife!  We also celebrated the death of both of our cars and enjoyed buying two new vehicles that better fit our growing family.  Tony & I celebrated our 6th year anniversary and although not able to get away alone this year we anxiously await a weekend away at Hermann Hill once Angelina is done nursing.

July – Women’s Esther Bible study with friends downtown at New Life.  Anthony successfully went in the potty at 11 o’clock on a Sunday night just to get a sword from Walmart.  We spent lots of family time in preparation for Haiti.  Realized our lives have forever changed with two kids and work hard to keep up with life.  Last but not least – Levi came for a visit!

August – Tony and Levi headed for Haiti with the others from the youth group.  Sarah and kids went to Colorado to celebrate my cousins wedding in Montrose, CO!  We had an incredible time exploring the mountains.  Anthony caught his first fish in the Heister’s lake and rode a horse at my parent’s.  Dad and Mom spoiled the kids with a trip to the Aquarium and Denver Wildlife Experience.  We had a blast in Denver and enjoyed grandparents and all our family.  Anthony found Levi’s old box of dress up costumes and fell in love with Pirates and the Imaginary world.  We missed Tony and hated not being able to communicate (absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder).  We came home and anxiously awaited Tony’s arrival and couldn’t get our arms around him soon enough…we missed the rock of this family and do not plan on traveling separate anytime soon!   The end of the month brought Anthony’s 3rd birthday!  It is always a special time of year to celebrate the life of our wonderful son.  He is full of life and energy and keeps me on my toes from early morning to late at night!  He had a pirate party in the park that he still talks about.  All his friends dressed up in costumes and Tony took them on a pirate walk around the park.  It was a special day, I even dressed up for him!  Our darling little girl turned 6-months.  Her easy going personality is a breathe of fresh air in this crazy world!

September – Family Picture time and a month of rebuilding family.  After a very busy summer that pulled us apart we decided to end the summer laying low and just enjoying one another.  We took many date nights and enjoyed evening walks with the kids.  Tony and I spent many hours discussing our future and direction.  During this month an opportunity presented itself for Tony to change careers.  After many LONG hours and prayer we felt complete vision and direction for us to leave Ricoh and to join a company called eShipping in Parkville, MO.  Change is never easy, but this decision for us was very natural.  Tony had built growing relationship with the owner of eShipping, a man that Tony has come to respect.  We encourage you to look up www.eShipping.biz, it is a company that encourages so many of our core beliefes in business and life!

October –  The month started out with a very big suprise 30th birthday for Tony!  I totally shocked him and gathered over 90 of our friends and family at a local restraunt!  It was so much fun to be with many of our loved ones and celebrate the life of my husband.  It was amazing to look around the room at all the people whose life he has touched or been involved in.  He truly has a gift for relationships and knows how to love others.  It is one of the ways that I have seen the love of God in and through him, because it is not for pride or personal favor but an honest and genuine love and care for people.  After the party we spent a long weekend away in St Louis with my cousin and her husband the Vitale’s.  It was a breathe of fresh air after a big decision and changes we knew were coming!  We enjoyed the St Louis Zoo, Brewery, Itailian Food, and, best of all, time with people we love!  My birthday was much less eventful this year – praise the LORD!  We celebrated with a weekend in Denver where it was my grandfather’s 80th birthday!  It was a special day and we are so thankful for all my grandparents, we do pray for them constantly as they each have the pains of aging!  The rest of the month was spent at the pumpkin patch, play dates, and our favorite activity, time together!  Our Halloween costumes this year were the cutest leopard kitty cat and none other than Captain Jack Sparrow with mommy’s fake extensions and all!

November – This month’s highlights included lots of change with Tony starting his new job in Parkville, adjusting to the new commute and learning a whole new industry!  We had a special dinner to celebrate his first day!  We’ve enjoyed visiting him for lunch and having special time together.  We also enjoyed decorating the house early this year so we could enjoy the Christmas season as long as possible.  It is SO much fun with kids.  We also had a special Thanksgiving at the Totta home with all of the cousins!   This was a month of growth for us and being stretched by change and new beginnings!  The highlight of this month was Anthony getting potty trained.  He was very ready and picked it up very quickly!  I am so proud of my big boy, although his bum looks so small diaperless and he looks way to grown up, I’m happy….I wish I could pause life for a few months!    We had lots of sickness this month including Anthony’s chicken pox and Angelina’s ear infections.  It was a little confining for this stay at home always on the go mom =)!

December – The month and year are gone.  Christmas is over and I am just finalizing this letter.  As I reflect back on this month of life, it is exciting and joyful.  It is not a month I am ready to bury.  I never like to let go of the holidays and all the excitement.  We spent many days celebrating and preparing for Christmas.  Anthony and I had a tradition, every morning he would plug in the lights and I would start breakfast.  We would start off with our advent calander and eat the chocolate peice first before any other food!  I loved sharing this season with him.  We are all healthy and although life is not perfect, we have so much to be thankful for this year.  The Christmas experience was also very different for us this year.  We did not exchange gifts but did give our gift of money to buy for some families in need.  It was Tony’s year to pick the theme (a different family member each year gets to pick it).  After his time in Haiti and a growing disgust for our self-absorbed mentality.  He decided it was not time to lavishly give gifts to each other but instead help those in need.  We picked six families and were part of delivering baskets full of food and necessity items.  It was a very humbling experience for me and although I missed the shopping and being in the malls this holiday season, I felt much more focused on the reason for giving. On Christmas day we packed up our Christmas dinner and headed over to my grandparents who have moved next door to my parents and had a very special dinner and time laughing and singing together.  It was so sweet.  It was very powerful and I know will be a Christmas we never forget.

Thank you for letting us share a peice of our life from this past year.  I try to write this down and keep record so it can be a reminder of Christ’s faithfulness to in our lives.  We have so much to be thankful for and rarely take time to notice it.  This year will probably not go down as my favorite year of life, as many highs as you have read about there were ten lows.  The changes that came our way this year were many and the load larger than expected.  Our need and dependence for Christ is larger than ever and we seek to lean on him more every day!

We have many goals and dreams for 2010 and hope you do too.  We are thankful for you and the fact that you are journeying this life along with us and share in our joys and sorrows.  We love you and wish you a happy New Year!  Thank you to our family that constantly showers us with love and support with the kiddos!

Sarah

I wanted to share with you this powerful glimpse into my husbands experience of Haiti!   You can also see pictures from this trip at this websight

http://newlifehaiti2009.shutterfly.com/

Headed for GOD knows what….

After a crazy weekend, Monday and Tuesday, I was able to stay up all night to pack and complete some last minute tasks. It always, seems as though there isn’t time for everything, and there are always hundreds of “to do’s” clouding my mind when I do want to relax. For this reason, as well as, being apart from Sarah and the kids, I’m apprehensive about being “disconnected” for eight days. On the other hand, however, I anticipate living eight days of being truly connected to life without all of the distractions.

We loaded both cars and went to the airport…Levi and me heading for Haiti while Sarah, Anthony and Angelina flew to Grand Junction for KC’s wedding on Saturday. Our flight left first for Chicago where we barely caught our next flight to Miami. After a quick hour in Miami (during which i got on line!!! sold my old car, shot off 4-5 e-mails and spoke to both parents and Sarah) we loaded for the last leg of our journey promptly and on time…just to sit on the runway for an hour (BURNING UP) while we waited for a storm to pass over…miserable!

As we made the final approach to Part au Prince, I am honestly feeling a bit agnostic concerning this arrival in Haiti. Not because I’m unhappy or unexcited. In fact, I’m very excited, however I’ve been unable to place any type of expectation for this trip. The whole “open-hand” principle is great and true, but there is something lack-luster about not know what to expect. Again – on the other hand, the power of the principle is being out of control…so I’m going to Haiti and headed for God knows what!

Wow, Last night we finally arrived in Port au Prince, Haiti and began the foreign airport shuffle: complete entry forms for immigration, pray you have everything when you’re called to go through, go to baggage and collect enough suitcases to cloth and feed 16 people for eight days, herd everyone together and try to navigate through the crowd of overly helpful natives who want to carry luggage! Finally, we made it to an old yellow school bus that was to take us to Mission of Hope. By the way, none of this happened without a short overweight local man trying to collect $100 for leading us to the bus. Anyway, we loaded and were on our way through the town. People were everywhere and I felt bad, but was unable to keep myself, on the rest of our group from staring. We saw a group of guys chopping sugarcane, another lady grilled some type of meat which she, presumably, planned to sell, little kids smiled and waved with big white smiles, others sort of somberly starred into oblivion, chickens, pigs, dogs, and cows peppered the masses. We continued to a more rural part of the city where trash fortified the road on either side. Wherever it piled up, someone had lit it on fire which cast a putrid stench of billowing smoke in to the sky. Then we arrived at the Mission of Hope compound, where we were introduced to the staff, director and DINNER!!!!

We took a couple of hours visiting, settling in and eating. Then I was dead tired…it turns out that we all were and all turned in for the night and oh what a night – All I can say is that I’m really thankful that I was so tired because I couldn’t help but sleep, in spite of the still sweltering heat. The six-dollar, four-inch fan was my lifeline and all-in-all, it was a good first night.

This morning we got up early – I was up by 5:15 and the rest of the group by 6:15. It gets light around 5:30am and dark about 6:00pm Anyway, we had breakfast, had a fun together, discussed our night, sang together and took time to read, pray & journal. After that we toured the compound and were introduced to our work project…my favorite – painting!!! We were assigned to clean and paint the walls of the school house.

This afternoon we boarded up and went to a village just down the road. We split in two groups and walked through the village inviting kids to come meet up for a Bible lesson and songs. This place was crazy with a capital “C”…not in a weird crazy way, but an out of my world way. Yesterday, while we drove from the airport, I wondered if the Haitian people thought we were cool or obnoxious. Did they know our group was excited to see them or did we look like arrogant spoiled Americans condescending from our high perch in the bus? All that to say, that same question lingered in my mind as we entered the village. The kids quickly answered with open arms. If I had one hundred hands, I could have held one hundred and seventy-five kids, because I have six or so in the two hands I do have. I had two boys in particular stick to me like glue (the first was named Jim and I don’t know the other). The whole experience was cool and was highlighted when a mom handed me her four month old baby girl…it made me miss my Angelina.

We regrouped for songs and the children had fun. I felt sad for this one little boy who kept looking at me. He had blotches all over his face and arms of open infected sores caused by who knows what. When I would look at him and smile, he shamefully turned away. I wondered how this little boy would grow up, if he ever felt love and how far he would go in life and years.

We returned to the mission and visited the orphanage on site called the Hope House. We played tether ball, soccer and held little kids. I can’t begin to list all of the names for each child, but it seemed like four stood out: Benji, Dunston, Mizamella and a little girl whose name I can’t recall. (some of these names are out there!) A common topic among the kids seemed to be my chin – go figure.

Mike and I walked up a half mile to our lodge. As we walked, we discussed how conspicuous it was that the children we saw seemed to be happy and fulfilled in spite of the despicable hell around them. We are so accustomed to wanting…wanting more, new, refreshed or cutting edge, bigger, better ______. We don’t know the meaning of enough. For example, it occurs to me that if I was given one million dollars, I would easily be able to assign the majority of it to myself, my family, my future. What if I first considered what could be done outside myself? I have no clue what that looks like. I want my eyes to be open in the same way, they are as I look at these kids, in my everyday walk.

Sarah, I miss you! I am going to try and call this weekend.

This morning began early again when the fans turned off at 5:15am because the generator kicked off. Today seems like it’s going to be hotter than yesterday. I’m burdened for our group. I want so bad for God to break through our hearts and show Himself real in a new way. “Dear God please draw us to Yourself. I see you working – continue and light a fire in our midst today.” I read Matthew 6-8 this morning and am impressed that there is more power in the simple truth of the gospel than we realize…and that’s why we make it so complicated.

Well I forgot to journal the rest of the day and am having a hard time with details except the following: I began teaching the entire group “Bud Mitchell’s Estimation” and they all loved it. I played tether ball with my feet and got schooled…won a couple and was rocked in the head. At night we went to the Hope House to watch a movie with the orphans. We took “Shark Attack” with us, but the kids wanted to watch this movie called “Cheetah Girls”…holy cow, I got stupider in that hour! Anyway, my buddy Widler and new friend, Miseline, sat with me. Widler fell asleep in my arms and I went and tucked him in bed. (I should mention that while we watched the movie, we fed all of the kids a bowl of Pringles, which was the snack of the week. They kept offering me their chips and persisted to share…they are both very sweet kids.) Shortly after, Miseline, fell asleep as well and I took her to her bed.

On Saturday morning we got up and went through the regular routine, but instead of painting, we left early for a little town to visit another village of kids. We drove through this crazy market area where all the locals go for everything…basically an outdoor supermarket. When we arrived in this little rural village, we got out and crossed the river in order to hike two miles to the “big tree” for another gathering. A little girl named Farah came along and fell asleep in my arms. I carried her all the way until we returned. We saw banana plants, among other fruit trees. When left and stopped in town right by the market. We waled through the market and around the back of some buildings to their homeless shelter called “Grace House”…all I have to say in that our homeless shelters look like Taj Mahal in comparison. We weren’t there long and left after a blind man played a song on his harmonica. While we headed to an orphanage a couple blocks away called “The Good Samaritan”, two of our people were able to give the homeless some fresh water.

We had a great time at The Good Samaritan orphanage where I connected with two boys, Watson and Kevinson. Our group acted the story of Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego. The kids loved it and when we were done, my two little guys ran back to me. After spending some time there playing, we returned to Mission of Hope and went to the Hope House again. I once again attempted foot tether ball. Soon Widler ran out and yelled “Tony”. He came and jumped in my lap. Then he ran back to his room. I was kind of sad that he didn’t want to hang out. My other friend, Miseline, came out and sat by me. Shortly after, Widler came running out with two pictures that he had colored for me. He brought them over and unfolded them in pride and anticipated my response. Then he just wanted to sit in my lap. Miseline went and got paper and a pencil and began to draw and the color a beautiful picture. She finished and wrote at the top, “to Tony I love you God bless Tony”. This was amazing and their love and desire to bless me was humbling.

Sunday worship – Wow, awesome, majesty, Heaven – any or all could be used to describe the session of corporate worship. The service was scheduled to begin at 9:30 am with the disclaimer that it was Haitian time. This probably explains why we didn’t get going until 9:45ish. They welcomed the visitors. We then entered a session of song that took us before the throne of God. I was caught in an anthem of praise, reflection and humility. Just then, my eye was caught by a Haitian woman, in my row, who was on her head and knees weeping in reverent humility. Another man celebrated his freedom in Christ by dancing in the aisle. I was most moved when I heard the orphan girl next to me, Miseline, singing at the top of her lungs “Let the weak say I am strong, let the poor say I am rich…” As we stood singing, the wind blew through the open air structure with the mountains in the background dotted by cattle, horses and small shacks. The smell of burning trash from miles away steeped the air as a reminder of the vile and decrepit, lost and needy human existence outside the compound.

Today, so far, has probably been the most heart-wrenching of all. We went through the regular routine and had lunch, but then we went to see the new property donated by the Haitian government to Mission of Hope. They plan to move “The Grace House”, add a second medical clinic and other stuff. It was a flat 50-acres right on the water. We drove as far as we could and then walked the remainder of the way through a banana forest. We all stood on the shoreline and watched as about 70-80 children came running through the banana plants – it was beautiful! Similar children: poor, half-dressed, smiling and dying for love. Then, we returned to The Good Samaritan orphanage. Little Watson and Kevinson came running up to me. I held them until they went to eat the second of two daily meals. Then I found out that they only have three months left on their lease. Unless they’re able to get their new facility completed, they will close and put the kids out. This, of course, was very emotional, but was magnified a few minutes later. I was standing in back and met the director, Madam Lucien. I was asking about a little boy sleeping in a crib. His name in Luke and he is five months old. Myriam was standing by me holding a baby named Rebekah. Coleman, stood not far away holding a little ten month old boy named Alex. These three babies, plus one more did not have milk for today. My heart was wrenched inside and I wanted to bring them all home with me. There are one hundred and twenty-nine children in all. I ran through the market with Fabio. We were able to buy enough formula to get them through today and will take more from the mission tomorrow. As I wrap up the day, it’s really difficult not to feel guilty about how stinking good I have it or what my complaints so often are. Never in my life have I wondered where I’ll sleep or what I’ll eat. I am directing myself to thank God for His goodness and expanding my heart even though the stretch is uncomfortable and painful.

Well it’s here – Beach Day!!! We loaded up and headed out. On the way, we were able to stop, once more, stop at The Good Samaritan orphanage in order to drop off some more formula for the four babies. Myr and I went in with eleven cans of formula. The director was not there, so we gave it to one of the mommies. Little Rebekah was crying in her crib. It was great to see that she had a wet diaper and dried formula around her lips! It was still, however, hard not to stay to hold and comfort her…the mommy said she needed someone to hold her, but no one was available. Little Luke sat on the floor crying. I went and picked him up for a few seconds. He didn’t have a diaper or pants on. We walked out, once more, with heavy hearts that we couldn’t spend more time there or bring them home with us. However, we were comforted that we were able to help. Anyway, we continued to the resort on the beach and unloaded in excitement. The view was gorgeous and we scouted out a spot to ourselves. Things were pretty normal. Levi and Jake decided to swim out and around the divider. They were gone for a little bit and I got the hunch that I should go check them out. Before I could, get over there, Jake came around the corned and motioned for me to come quickly. I hurried around the rocks and saw Levi standing there with half of his face covered in blood. Apparently, they wanted to get a coconut down from the tree and were throwing rocks at it. Jake threw one and it bounced off and hit Levi in the head. Part of me was frustrated because they knew they weren’t supposed to be over there, but the other part laughed inside because they were just being guys and exploring. They both felt dumb and Jake felt absolutely terrible! Anyway, I got Levi cleaned up and we enjoyed the rest of the day. We snorkeled, played in the water and had contests throwing rocks at the boundary markers around the swim area.

We returned to the mission and I went to the Hope House to see my kiddos one last time. We spent a few minutes talking as good as we could. Wilder gave me another picture and Miseline drew another as well. She also wrote a little note on the top. I gave both of them, as well as, Jeff a hug and had someone tell them, in their language, that this was good bye and we would be leaving the next day. They all were sad, but Widler was the least emotional. The wiredest thing happened…I started getting chocked up. This caught me off guard. These kids had somehow reached in and attached to my heart. I said bye, walked out of the courtyard and then broke down. Both then and now, I wondered why it was so hard, but I cried hard. Just about the time I got it all together, under the discrete cover of my sunglasses, I heard “Tony”. I turned around and saw Miseline and Jeff running toward me. I stopped and they ran up and gave me a hug. Jeff didn’t want to look at me, so I held him close and he sobbed. Miseline starred of, sat on my knee and tears ran down her face. I prayed with them and told each of them that God would be with them and I would be praying for them and loved them. That time was hard to turn away, but I did and looked back once and saw Jeff walk over, lean against the building and cry. I waved and they each waved back.

It’s amazing that the little things you least expect, God can use to make a life-altering difference in the landscape of who we are. On the way down to Haiti, I asked people to pray that my trust and vision would be expanded and that I would gain a greater love. Heart-stretching is painful but necessary in gaining a greater capacity for love. God used these little, helpless and vulnerable kids to answer my prayer. When I entered Haiti, all I could see was the trash, mess and utter ciaos. All I could smell was the stench of burning trash, rotting food, unclean bodies and dirty animals. All I could hear was the ridiculous horn-obsessed drivers, the cries of people selling their goods and our own judgments, laughter and questions. As I leave, there is a piece of my heart that will remain. I now see people lost in the hopeless traditions of Voodoo, the depravity Satan & sin bring to their subjects and a remnant whose lives burn bright with the light and hope of Christ. All the smells are pretty much the same, but now carry memories with them…memories of holding half-dressed, love-deprived, smiling village kids, of trailing through a banana forest with our group and a bunch of orphans, of braving the market to get life-sustaining formula to little babies with no other hope, of a poor man, broken woman and orphan girl, with eyes closed, in raptured worship before the God who set them free and gave them hope and a family. Finally, I hear differently, I hear the crazy horn-obsessed drivers and just smile at the picture that comes to mind. I hear the laughter of kids with hope, cries of people in need and the silence of our group as we contemplate what we’ve seen, heard and experienced over the past eight days. It’s fitting that a holy, omniscient and personal God would take us to a third-world country dedicated to Satan in order to show us Himself and His power. Thank God for Haiti and as we return, may we never forget!

I think it pertinent to include one last entry: I returned a little over a week ago and, as is typical in American life, I’ve not made time to reflect or journal. On the plane ride back, I was overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts. It actually might be more accurate to say, I just felt numb and unsure of what to do with all I had just experienced. I knew I couldn’t simply return to self-focused indulgence, but I was unsure of what to do…how to reconcile the raw state I found myself in, after an eight day tenderizing process, with the cut-throat dog-eat-dog competition-driven society to which I was returning. Anyway, somewhere in the midst of that flurry of thoughts, the lady next to me began to share. I had introduced myself and, in my excitement, shared a few highlights of our trip. Anyway, almost out of the blue she shared that she lost her thirty-five year old daughter, Arika, in January due to cancer and she was looking for God to do something big for her. We had a deep discussion for the next hour and a half and left encouraged. I committed to pray for her and her son-in-law and his boy, her eight year old grandson. I told her that God used her need and transparency to remind me that I wasn’t leaving a place of need (Haiti) to come to a place of perfection (USA). There are people every single day and we pass in our regular routine that hurt deeply, need love and need God. My prayer is becoming, not just that God would use me to help restore hope through His love to Haiti, but to the person next to me as well.

Wow, it has been so hard to STOP and write in this blog over the last four months.  Some of that has been totally unintentional and some of it has been intentional.  There have been a thousand things I feel I could have shared little amazing family moments, small lessons from God, and many moments I have all out LOST control!  But, I never stopped and did it!  I have so many things on my “to do” list and it officially NEVER gets done.  To someone who is run or controlled by that list this has been a life changing event for me.  I believe I was playing house with one baby and now have entered total chaos with two kids.  I am someone who likes to have it all “together” – you know have things picked up on the surface and below, bible study done, kids fed, dressed and happy, myself showered, dressed and happy, dinner ready!  You know all the wonderful things you see in the movies and something I accomplished well up until February and Angelina’s birth.  WELL, NOT ANYMORE!  So, today after almost 5 grueling and yet amazing months God has told me to STOP!

 Not only has He asked me to STOP chasing this perfect family dream, but most of my desires.  I have felt like asking him for the last few months to just STOP and leave me alone!  Just to let me have life my way and to relax on this whole journey thing…I’m not going anywhere and I was kinda fine with that while I gathered our lives together!  God didn’t agree, he loves me way to much to STOP.  So my thoughts today include this, GOD will not STOP life and will never stop persuing us even when we do as his children.  He has told me to STOP trying to live in this world and not be seperate from it.  The way we do life will be different especially in our priorities.  God has been working us over and stirring us up so much we have no idea what he is preparing us for, but he is definatly taking us to a deeper levels of trust.  It is painful!  ’Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of; they tend to turn some of the weeds to the surface.  I was just unaware of how many weeds I had in my life!  

He remains faithful.  Please remember to STOP and take in life.  Our Savior will never STOP teaching us and removing the weeds and strongholds in our lives!  STOP and have coffee or pour into the life of someone else you will feel amazing and probably be more blessed than you can imagine…even if the laundry doesn’t get done until tomorrow!

I have been fascinated the past few weeks by the wonder and gift of Life.  Tony and I found out that we are expecting another baby!  We are so excited and anticipate the life of this new little baby.  I immediately became aware of the presence of this life at around 6 weeks pregnant.  I have not gone one day without thinking or loving this little life.  I have been so sick with this pregnancy and it has really been a long first trimester.  I am so happy to be 15 weeks and have heard our babies heart beating 3 times now!  There is such a mystery and wonder around the miracle of a baby.  After losing one, I have realized what a precious miracle and gift a baby really is to have.  

Another  reminder came this past week some close friends of ours had an incredible opportunity to open their home to a New Life…it came in the form of a 2 day old baby girl.  Our friends have been through foster to adopt classes and the call came this past wednesday.  Without ANY information they said yes to taking a new life into there home and possibly into the rest of there lives.  It is amazing how easy it is to love a new little life.  It is so fresh, adorable, cuddly, needy, and somehow just LOVING!  

I have seen how a new life can bond people and tear them apart.  It is so hard not to rush immediately to a friends hospital room when I hear they are have had a new baby.  The same is true when someone I love is ill and there gift of life is in jeopardy or may come to an end.  All this to say God has placed us here for a reason and whatever season of life you find yourself in God is the giver of your life and that alone is WORTHY to be praising him!  There is a song that says “Let everything that hath breath, PRAISE THE LORD”  That is what I want to do today!  

Father, I praise you Lord for my life, the life of my family who gave me life.  The life of my husband and son, this new life inside of me.  The lives you allow me to touch and come in contact with, THANK YOU LORD for the gift of life!

Love You!

I hope you are having a great day!  I am so thankful that you have joined with me on my New Life journey.   I love everything about this time of year the flowers, swimming, eating outside!!!  I love summer, even right now I am wishing I was out there!  I have had something so HUGE to share with you about my Tuesday mornings this summer that began when God burdened my heart last December. 

I began notcing some of the amazing young women God had brought into my life.  There is a group of 10-12 young women who are in high school or recently graduated that God laid on my heart.  One day I remembered how hard it was to be their age and the overwhelming feeling of growing up and becoming a women of God.  I remember feeling distracted, unfocused and overwhelmed.  What it would look like and what would I look like if I did the things of the Lord.  I saw very few women a few steps ahead of me actually living a life that I would respect or desire.  However, the few I did see impacted me. 

As my friendship with these girls grew, I began to realize how much potential they held, but also how influencable they were.  They held onto everything I would say or notice things I would do.  It was overwhelming to me.  I didn’t want that…just let me live how I’d like.  I was kind of afraid to let them in or let them get too close.  That was the job for a trained youth pastor’s wife or Bible Major, a missionary or Sunday school teacher.  I honestly wasn’t sure if I was someone worthy of following.  It was a huge challenge to me when I realized whether or not I felt worthy or “good” enough I was already being a leader.  My husband, Tony, challenged me to just be real!  I have in no way arrived but I have learned a few things from journeying a few steps ahead of them.  I have and have had real struggles, made real mistakes and have found real answers that I can share.

So with that perspective along with some input from Leigh-Ann and Myriam we started our book study.  My desire for this time was to meet with these women, let iron sharpen iron, have true honest discussion about the reality of the way we live our lives and challenge them to learn along with me what it is to live a life worthy of our amazing Heavenly Father.  Each of these girls are facing huge decisions whether it be college and moving away, to relationships, loss of loved ones and other normal struggles women face.

Tuesday morning is my new favorite morning of the week.  I wake up way too early =) and meet a group of young ladies over coffee and bagels.  We are working through the book ‘Idol Girls’ by Hailey DiMarco.  The book focuses on our obsessions.  It has challenged me in SO many ways and I want to share a few with you.  As I do this, I also want to let you know that my goal is to update my blog weekley on what we are learning.  If any of you have followed my blogs then you notice I wait forever and then I spill EVERYTHING @ once.  (Now you know how my husband feels, that is usually the case in our marriage.  I hold it all in then BAMB I address everything)  Soooo in my attempt to be more balanced I am going to share with you what I am challenged with weekly.  I’ll start by posing the question to you that I asked the girls…it is from the book’s intro.

What’s the one thing you love so much that you could never live without it?  What can’t you live without?

I ask you to evaluate these question as a personal assessement like we did…it may revel something to you about your obsessions as well.

What do you love the most?

What would you do to get it or keep it? (Ask yourself this for each thing from above)

Who do you love the most?

What would you do to keep them?

What do you hate the most?

What would you do to get rid of it or avoid it?

What or who do you think about the most?

What are your goals?

What are you biggest fears?

What do you worry about the most?

What do you think you have to have right now?

What “necessities” could you never live without?

What do you do when you need a little peace?

What do you do when you’re stressed out and you need to unwind?

Do you go to something or someone for relief when you are upset, stressed or exhuausted? If so, who or what?

Does that someone or something give you relief that lasts?

What would you do if you couldn’t get that someone or something?

Who or what do you trust?

Who do you have to please in order to be happy?

Whose opinion is most important to you?

Who are you trying to impress?

What is you biggest obsession?

Those are some tough guestions!  You may be amazed at some of your answers.  I know I was. 

An obsession is something that fills your mind and demands you give it attention.  Obession can either make you or break you. 

IDOLATRY – Immoderate (or excessive) attachment or devotion to something

OBSESSION – A persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

OBSESS – to haunt or excessively preoccupy the mind of

So take time and examine your life, we all have something we are obsessed with and if it is not God then it is an idol in our life. 

At the beginning of May, I had the incredible experience of joining over nine thousand women to see Beth Moore speak at the World Arena in Colorado Springs.  She speaks at events called ‘Living Proof Live’, to women in different cities all around the country. Each event is different and she allows God to show her what He would have her to speak on at each city. It was SO incredible. I learned SO many truths and I just have to share them with you. I came back to Kansas City totally renewed with excitement for the life God has given to me.

I respect Beth Moore for so many reasons, but I specifically love how she has the ability to connect with women. She is real, passionate and yet so very stylish =). A combination that intrigues me…after seeing her, in person, I did come to the conclusion that the most amazing thing about Beth Moore is that she is a woman who is in LOVE with God! He is her best friend. She does not have empty words of love for her Savior, He is ALIVE and active in her EVERY day life. That type of life is contagious!

Christ in us is powerful and contagious!

The theme of the conference was – We have to GIVE it up to LIVE it up!

The passage was: Matthew 16:24

“Then Jesus told his disciples, If anyone would come after me let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me”

7 Statements

1. Christ offers us a life we would trade the world to have

2. This life cannot be sought. It can only be found.

3. This life’s biggest stumbling block will be self protection.

4. The cost of missing this life is infinitely higher than the cost of losing it.

5. In this life denying ourselves means denying self the right to rob us of God.

6. This life involves giving ourselves up. NOT giving up.

7. Whatever we lose to find this life will be incomparably supplanted

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Thoughts from MY NOTES…

We are facing a great dilemma…

Will I give it up?

What will happen if I give it up?

Christ has come to give me a life I cannot even dream up! (I can dream up some pretty incredible things)

Will I trust my life to the will of God or insist on comfort? (It’s time to build trust and fall in love with my Savior)

After we accept Christ we begin a journey, (see diagram above)

* Stumbling Blocks – Causes us to pause

* Minding means the journey or pursuit of the life God has for me or finding God

God cannot leave anything dead, He raises it back to life (i.e. SPRING)

We need to be cautious of those who encourage us to choose comfort over pursuing Christ! Our calling can be determined by mistaken tenderness.

* We have a choice and we will either self-destruct or self-protect (see diagram above)OR step through our SB into the arms of Christ and stay on our path of bliss in His Will.

* Satan comes to the party of life dressed like me. (Man he looks good LOL!) – He brings temptations that fit our fleshly desires – He knows we are narcissist! 

* We can choose to step through our “stumbling block” to the path of BLISS.

SATURDAY MESSAGE -

* Our soul is immaterial – NOTHING material can nourish the immaterial. (My soul cannot be fulfilled with things… shoes, clothes, bags, relationships, home, cars, etc.)

* We Ransom our soul for security – (We live life focused on the new home, relationships, cars, granite countertops, so we do not have to focus on our true self.)

* Our attitude toward God is this…”To go to heaven will be a let down, but it is better than hell” We live Christianity like a game of cards, we choose the best option.

I. DENYING OURSELVES – FREES US FROM SELFISHNESS!!! That is SO profound – I always come to Tony telling him we NEED ….He always tells me our NEEDS are met, why don’t we practice more self denial? We love the results, just hate going through it…just think of dieting.  All things are not bad…only if they are my FOCUS.

A. Self Absorption – This comes into our EVERY day walk with Christ

B. Insatiable EGO – We love to have our ego built up…(Nice dress, clothes, earrings, we love to hear that we are really “something”) Our Ego needs to be told to “SHUT-UP” every single day, if we let a day go by without this then we can be sure it is up to something.

* GET OVER YOURSELF TO FIND YOURSELF

* Narcissism – We are obsessed with OURSELVES!

* II Timothy 3:1 – I am a friend of MYSELF = Self Corruption

* Someone IS God in my life!

C. Self Destruction

* For some this is alcohol, drugs, pills, but it can also be addiction to approval, relationships, having to be the best, things, money, clothes, SHOPPING!

(Spurgeon – Every man is eaten up with something)

* Addiction is stronger than human love, but not GOD’S love!

*There is no HIGH like the MOST HIGH…I love that!

*We are being cheated of our purpose. We are eternal creatures trapped in the material things.

Pursuit of Happiness

* I am complete in You and I want to live every day WELL

* By standing firm you will gain life! Luke 21:19

* Persevere to win – FIGHT STRONG AND BRAVE! Our church (not New Life, but the American church) is full of wimpy Christians! We are light-weights and weenies in battle!

* Narcissist have zero stamina – they do what is best for them…we waste the short time we are actually here being useless!

WE AGE, as MEN and WOMEN, when we CEASE TO ADAPT…our calling is not always convenient…We need to learn to ADAPT and ADAPT and ADAPT…(It was so not convenient to move from my family in Denver, but in adapting I can live my life in KC to the fullest!) WE cannot quit over inconveniences

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MY CONCLUSION – It is time to stop being consumed with myself and the trappings that it includes, and it is time to go on the ride of my life and fall in love with the person I call my SAVIOR!

Thank you Beth Moore for living your life as an example, one life can touch and leave an imprint on so many others!

Have a great day! Living life the way it is meant to be!