The Perfect Storm

I feel the need to say I’m sorry!  Yes, that is a good place to start…I have dropped the ball with my blog.  Although at times intentionally over the last six months, at others it was straight survival and this was not a priority.  If you do not understand, than you will someday.  Sometimes in life we go through seasons that are more challenging than others.  I am so thankful to say I have come out of a season of exhaustion, possible depression (but I’m not a fan of the ‘D-word’ , dark clouds and what I have decided to call the perfect storm. I, for the first time in life, have had no clue what to say.  I had a ton to say like usual but nothing that came from the heart.  My heart was broken and weak and anything I conjured up to think or say was definitely in my own strength, so I knew writing would be in vain.  Sometimes in life it is easy to be disciplined and live an intentional life .  This past season of my life has been one of sheer survival. This last year I have experienced  ”The Perfect Storm” in my personal life.  That phrase kept coming to my mind and I knew that the Lord had finally given me something to write about again.  Out of my own curiosity I googled it, like I do everything “The Perfect Storm”.  I found this explanation and knew it was the perfect description of what has been occurring in my life.

A “perfect storm” is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.^[1] The term is also used to describe a hypothetical hurricane that happens to hit at a region’s most vulnerable area, resulting in the worst possible damage by a hurricane of its magnitude.

There have been quiet a few rare combination of events and circumstances that completely aggravated me and my situation drastically, I was definitely hit in many vulnerable areas and it left some massive damage on my daily functioning.  I am thankful to say that by Gods grace it was in a way hypothetical and I have survived this low season.  As I look back behind me I can see how ugly the sky was, at the time I honestly had no clue where the storm came from.  I knew it was bad but until I have tasted the goodness the sunshine I had no idea the power of the storm.  I probably have many of you worried…like what did she do or what has been so bad in her life.   I feel the exact details of my storm might make you laugh,  you might even dare to compare and say well “that is not so bad, listen to what I have been through”.  Truth is that I have not been through too much bad, actually way more good than I could write about.  A perfect storm for one person might be a rainy day for another or just an overcast day for someone else, and to others it might even be a day at the beach.  We are all wired differently and face a unique set of circumstances.  I have found out A LOT about myself this last year and much of what I found needed changed.   I have realized insecurities I didn’t even know existed.  I have had to find roots(lots of roots=), which have been painful and hard work to pull up.   I have realized dependency on things, status, position, and people which where all shaken.  God walked me through this last year of change and while many days were great, He had to take me very low so I could open my eyes and see things clearly.  I have a much clearer vision of what I am fighting for in life and why I do what I do everyday.

I have no greater love on this earth than for my husband Tony.  He is a true man of character, integrity, and a lover of my soul.  He is a warrior and at times I know grew frustrated with me, he probably felt like dropping me but instead persevered and led me back to life.  He is my leader and my lover and I adore him.  I learn constantly from his strength and love.  He is a gifted man and I am the largest benefactor of his strength.   If you need details many of them include the load of two children…not sure why it is to hard? – well your not me and have not nursed a very sick clingy little girl through 7 straight months of ear infections.  I am crying as I write because it was so draining.  I sometimes wonder if the lack of sleep had a major role in my weakness.  It also included a massive shift in focus and living… a new company for my husband, family aches and pains, financial changes, and much more…I’ve learned that I suck at change.  We have been asked by some, why didn’t you reach out or you should be serving – that gets your mind off yourself.  I think that is bull **** for lack of better English .   Sometimes we can serve our way into a pit so big only God himself can save us.

I also believe God sometimes goes to work on our lives in order to change us so we are reminded that our strength is not of ourselves or the size of our checkbook but in HIM.  I will spend the rest of my life in awe  learning about the creator of my soul that knit me together.  I am over ‘trying’ to lead anyone.  The road we are taking is one not popular or often traveled.  Look around though…are many you see thriving and happy in life or are they busy and worn out.  I’m not talking about happy because of the newest toy, house, gadget, item, or thing.  I’m talking about  being full of happiness and joy.  Are they tied to there facebook account as their only way to connect with others?  Tony and I have sat outside for dinner, late at night laid in the grass looking at the stars, gone on walks, and ask ourselves one question…where is everybody?  Why are we the only ones out?  Maybe because we do not have cable or have intentionally eliminated many of life’s distractions.  So many of the things that can occupy life do not bring life,  they busy life and the things that really matter are all around waiting for you to get intentional about not just busy doing or “serving”,  but LIVING.

To my Savior – you are my strength and my redeemer.  My joy is only from you, I know that now for sure.  Thank you for your protection and guarding me and my heart.  Thank you for the children you have entrusted me with here and the one with you in Heaven.  I adore them and hope they catch more of You and way less of me.  Thank you for leading me into BSF this last year and asking me to get off my bum and study your word…not just some fun book on how I feel but intensely study your word.   Thank you for the power of your holy spirit who speaks, leads and even uses us by working through us despite us.  Thank you, Lord, for showing me my beauty and value is in your kingdom and higher than this cheap world tells me…NO SCREAMS OUT LOUD at me.  Thank you to anyone at BSF who said the hard things and friends who have loved and been patient with me.  I am on a journey to understand who I am and WHY GOD MADE ME.  To see how he has gifted me and what I’m to do with that.  I believe he knit me together differently than any other human, so why compare… you should ask the same thing (2 Corinthians 10:12 - Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.) I will never be a lot of things, but if I fail at being me than I will fail at my life.  Thank you to Marcy & Chad Earwood who have challenged me to live better in so many ways, Tony’s parents who have watched the kids countless times so Tony and I could connect and love each other without distraction, my parents who love me and my family and sacrifice for us in many ways.  Thank you for the friends who have loved and prayed with me (Sharlain, Megan, Amy, Ashley L. & M., PJ, Sonya, Susan, Julie and many more), life is sweeter with you all in it!  Thank you to New Life that has been a constant place of corporate worship and scripture.    Thank you Beth Moore for writing the book, “So Long Insecurity”, this has also been a tool in helping me climb out of the pit.  You have shined a spotlight and helped me see my life and the lies of this world in ways I would have never on my own. I have claimed the verse Proverbs 31:25,  ”She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”

Bright spots of sunshine throughout the storms of my journey are the people God has uses to carry me through.  You realize who your friends are when you face hardships.  You realize who is serious in life and who is just caught up in the narcissistic American dream.  I learned a lot about the wife I want to be, marriage we have, children I love and want to parent, families who love and support, and am thankful for the community of people all around.

I will no longer be avoiding you now that I have updated you…instead I will write and share my heart as I find time and God give words to my heart.

Advertisement