I remember driving for the first time on Breckenridge, I LOVED the name of the street because it was a favorite location in Colorado.  It in some way made me feel closer to the place I grew up.  The bright GOLD house with brick and stone caught my eye, I loved the perfectly manicured look, the color was a bit odd but it worked in some strange way.  I loved it immediately and when I walked in I was in love, the high ceilings, crisp feel and white moldings had me sold!  I was envisioning decorating within seconds!  It felt grand like a palace or something so special.  No one I had ever known lived in a house just like this one, so it also felt unique…funny thing is it is a very common floor plan.

We bought it, wise or unwise still not sure, it was the peak of a very high housing market but it was our home!  We settled in and I did the best to decorate on a very low budget =), Tony didn’t allow me to make changes for 1 year which felt like an eternity to this wishful ‘artist’!  Our home was just me and Tony we were married for 3 years and felt like we were on top of the world, we had to pinch ourselves often.  Everytime I walked by that first bedroom I envision a baby someday.  Jan 3, 2006 I walked down the stairs when Tony walked in and told him I”M PREGNANT!!! He didn’t believe me, so I had to prove it to him 3 times I think!   My favorite memory of this house was in June when I came home from Colorado and walked into the nursery, I had envisioned a nursery that easily would have cost us $3000 to have done =) also not in the budget!  Tony had worked all weekend on putting up my crown molding and hand made Waynes Coating just like the picture I had showed him.  I fell to the floor crying it was perfect and this was definity a place I could welcome my little prince!  I have spent many hours in that room over the last 4 1/2 years.  Many late nights rocking and nursing my babies.  We have laughed, cried, played and even danced many times in this house and room!  It was just two years later that this home was a shelter and comfort to my aching heart as I greived miscarriage.  One year to the day after losing our baby I walked into the same home with the most amazing little girl Angelina Grace!  This is the home of the Tony Totta four and to me, this is what our home is all about.

Many other special events have happened in this home as well, we started New Life via small group almost 4 1/2 years ago.  Many of the friends and relationships we now have were fostered in this space.  We used this home for two years of weekly small groups, bible studies, and dinners with friends.  My favorite thing is to sit on the porch, eat dinner and let the kids play, walk down to the neighborhood pool and swim with my kids.

So am I sad to leave the walls of this California Split on Breckenridge, but am thankful for the reminder that the memories we are sewing today will last in our hearts tomorrow.  We are building something that will outlive us by investing in our home and family.  We have way too many things and I focus on them much too often, they are annoying to pack, it’s time to lighten up!  This journey is an adventure not a place to burrow down and get too comfortable!    Life is ever changing so embrace today for it could be gone tomorrow.

Thank you Tony for leading our home, being a man of integrity!  Thank you for providing this amazing space for our family faithfully for 6 years.  Thank you for making home a place of security and rest!  I’m excited to be by your side through this next adventure!    ”Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all”  Helen Kellar

I helped a friend clean up his tree line the other day. Several trees had grown
all over the existing fence which divided property lines and were beginning to
interfere with the neighbor’s farming efforts or so his neighbor thought.
Nevertheless, my friend in effort to be a good neighbor deferred and so we were
cutting down trees.

There were probably 50 trees surrounding the property along the fence line and
in the field. Each had similar groundings but vastly different shapes, sizes
and tendencies. Some grew straight and singular others curved and supported
many offshoots. Some grew true and strong beside the fence, others had grown
between the fence strands and, still others, into the fence itself. As I
performed my “lumberjack” duties, I noticed that those standing free were the
tallest, most beautiful and waved most freely in the wind (which there was an
abundance of that day). The other trees were somewhat restricted in growth and
movement by the fence.

I had to look at each tree to predict how it would fall and then attempt to
adjust my cutting approach appropriately. Most of the time, I was able to
execute this pretty well. However, there were a few trees that had grow up
through the fence and even though the base had been cut off, were held, for the
moment, upright by the fence. To my dismay this took considerable effort to
loose and free. Another tree had clearly been around for longer than me. It
had 5 offshoots from the trunk, each measuring a minimum of six feet around. We
decided to attack one of these which turned out to be no small task. As I
feverishly worked the saw I thought, ‘this stinking tree started as a seed and
then a sapling that I could snap in two with my fingers…and then I had a
thought or two of the man who didn’t when he had the chance.

I later considered how there were clear parallels from my experience and human
life. We’re all designed to find a common grounding. Each person intrinsically
holds the reflections of God and therefore an innate dignity and worth within.
However, each of us is designed a little (and sometimes vastly) different from
the other. Outside our common grounding, the expression of who we’re created to
be should stand and flow freely and unhindered. This is when the orchestra of
life plays most clearly. All too often, however, we cling to thing the outside
‘fences of life’. These could be poor habits, lifestyles, values or peer
pressures toward uniformity, consumption and the like.

I could go on drawing parallels and will continue in my own thoughts and
journal, but at the risk of beating a dead horse will stop and let you continue
as you consider “where are you standing?” and “how are you living?”. Here are a
few thoughts that come to mind:

*Growth is natural – that behemoth of a tree never tried to get big. It fed and
grew on day at a time.
*Grounding is vital – the trees cut off from the earth and standing with the aid
of the fence didn’t look unlike the other from a distance, but with time, the
lack of life would be evident to all.
*You are fearfully and wonderfully made knit together in your mother’s womb -
you and I have a designed purpose in life
*The thief came to steal, kill and destroy (wrap you up in fences and sever your
grounding)
*Christ came to provide abundant life – more than enough not for your own
consumption, but to spread life, shade, strength to others.

Have a great week keeping life Real,

Tony

A “perfect storm” is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.^[1] The term is also used to describe a hypothetical hurricane that happens to hit at a region’s most vulnerable area, resulting in the worst possible damage by a hurricane of its magnitude.

There have been quiet a few rare combination of events and circumstances that completely aggravated me and my situation drastically, I was definitely hit in many vulnerable areas and it left some massive damage on my daily functioning.  I am thankful to say that by Gods grace it was in a way hypothetical and I have survived this low season.  As I look back behind me I can see how ugly the sky was, at the time I honestly had no clue where the storm came from.  I knew it was bad but until I have tasted the goodness the sunshine I had no idea the power of the storm.  I probably have many of you worried…like what did she do or what has been so bad in her life.   I feel the exact details of my storm might make you laugh,  you might even dare to compare and say well “that is not so bad, listen to what I have been through”.  Truth is that I have not been through too much bad, actually way more good than I could write about.  A perfect storm for one person might be a rainy day for another or just an overcast day for someone else, and to others it might even be a day at the beach.  We are all wired differently and face a unique set of circumstances.  I have found out A LOT about myself this last year and much of what I found needed changed.   I have realized insecurities I didn’t even know existed.  I have had to find roots(lots of roots=), which have been painful and hard work to pull up.   I have realized dependency on things, status, position, and people which where all shaken.  God walked me through this last year of change and while many days were great, He had to take me very low so I could open my eyes and see things clearly.  I have a much clearer vision of what I am fighting for in life and why I do what I do everyday.

I have no greater love on this earth than for my husband Tony.  He is a true man of character, integrity, and a lover of my soul.  He is a warrior and at times I know grew frustrated with me, he probably felt like dropping me but instead persevered and led me back to life.  He is my leader and my lover and I adore him.  I learn constantly from his strength and love.  He is a gifted man and I am the largest benefactor of his strength.   If you need details many of them include the load of two children…not sure why it is to hard? – well your not me and have not nursed a very sick clingy little girl through 7 straight months of ear infections.  I am crying as I write because it was so draining.  I sometimes wonder if the lack of sleep had a major role in my weakness.  It also included a massive shift in focus and living… a new company for my husband, family aches and pains, financial changes, and much more…I’ve learned that I suck at change.  We have been asked by some, why didn’t you reach out or you should be serving – that gets your mind off yourself.  I think that is bull **** for lack of better English .   Sometimes we can serve our way into a pit so big only God himself can save us.

I also believe God sometimes goes to work on our lives in order to change us so we are reminded that our strength is not of ourselves or the size of our checkbook but in HIM.  I will spend the rest of my life in awe  learning about the creator of my soul that knit me together.  I am over ‘trying’ to lead anyone.  The road we are taking is one not popular or often traveled.  Look around though…are many you see thriving and happy in life or are they busy and worn out.  I’m not talking about happy because of the newest toy, house, gadget, item, or thing.  I’m talking about  being full of happiness and joy.  Are they tied to there facebook account as their only way to connect with others?  Tony and I have sat outside for dinner, late at night laid in the grass looking at the stars, gone on walks, and ask ourselves one question…where is everybody?  Why are we the only ones out?  Maybe because we do not have cable or have intentionally eliminated many of life’s distractions.  So many of the things that can occupy life do not bring life,  they busy life and the things that really matter are all around waiting for you to get intentional about not just busy doing or “serving”,  but LIVING.

To my Savior – you are my strength and my redeemer.  My joy is only from you, I know that now for sure.  Thank you for your protection and guarding me and my heart.  Thank you for the children you have entrusted me with here and the one with you in Heaven.  I adore them and hope they catch more of You and way less of me.  Thank you for leading me into BSF this last year and asking me to get off my bum and study your word…not just some fun book on how I feel but intensely study your word.   Thank you for the power of your holy spirit who speaks, leads and even uses us by working through us despite us.  Thank you, Lord, for showing me my beauty and value is in your kingdom and higher than this cheap world tells me…NO SCREAMS OUT LOUD at me.  Thank you to anyone at BSF who said the hard things and friends who have loved and been patient with me.  I am on a journey to understand who I am and WHY GOD MADE ME.  To see how he has gifted me and what I’m to do with that.  I believe he knit me together differently than any other human, so why compare… you should ask the same thing (2 Corinthians 10:12 - Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.) I will never be a lot of things, but if I fail at being me than I will fail at my life.  Thank you to Marcy & Chad Earwood who have challenged me to live better in so many ways, Tony’s parents who have watched the kids countless times so Tony and I could connect and love each other without distraction, my parents who love me and my family and sacrifice for us in many ways.  Thank you for the friends who have loved and prayed with me (Sharlain, Megan, Amy, Ashley L. & M., PJ, Sonya, Susan, Julie and many more), life is sweeter with you all in it!  Thank you to New Life that has been a constant place of corporate worship and scripture.    Thank you Beth Moore for writing the book, “So Long Insecurity”, this has also been a tool in helping me climb out of the pit.  You have shined a spotlight and helped me see my life and the lies of this world in ways I would have never on my own. I have claimed the verse Proverbs 31:25,  ”She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”

Bright spots of sunshine throughout the storms of my journey are the people God has uses to carry me through.  You realize who your friends are when you face hardships.  You realize who is serious in life and who is just caught up in the narcissistic American dream.  I learned a lot about the wife I want to be, marriage we have, children I love and want to parent, families who love and support, and am thankful for the community of people all around.

I will no longer be avoiding you now that I have updated you…instead I will write and share my heart as I find time and God give words to my heart.

I wish it was that simple and somedays it is, but this year brought more depth than I was ready for.  Tony said I grew up a lot this year and although I am not sure that is true here is a glimpse of our 2009.  Each month has reoccuring monday night “family nights”, we added a date night every other week to to keep our sanity and marriage strong with the massive demand of two kids.  Real Life luncheon monthly on the first Tuesday, Bible studies, weekly BSF, accountability groups and most important friendships.

January - I kept growing and growing and was happy to be stuck in the house in the thick of winter.  An incredible baby shower occurred and pink dresses and many girl clothes started to hang in our closests.  We painted and moved around 3 rooms in our house in anticipation of our daughter.  Along with many trips to the library and constant laughs from our two year old!

February –  After a weekend getaway with Tony, a couples massage and Big Sibling class the 25th could not have come quick enough.  Angelina Grace Totta entered our world and we have never been the same.  Although our plans were to be induced she had a plan of her own.  Angelina came on her own in the middle of the night.  What a moment and precious gift from God!  Anthony’s first words to us after seeing her were “OH I JUST LOVE HER”.  He has been the stellar big brother we had hoped for and although he is a little too rough at times he is doing a great job with his new role! (he gives the phrase “love her to death” a new meaning)

March – A lot of family visits and us falling more in love with our daughter.  I love to doll her all up in bows, bracelets, clothes and just about any accessory I can get my hands on.  I love more that she is so passive and just lets me, and sometimes even grins at me while I get her ready.  It is like she is telling me you only have so long mom then I get to pick my own stuff!   We also welcomed Bradley Morris Gleiser into our family who is Tony’s sister Carrie third baby.  He was born just two weeks after Angelina.

April – Held many play dates, warmer weather, a lot of diapers and hard work keeping up home.  Our lives are much less glamourous now days…it comes less in form of money and vacations and more in smiles, laughs and time with the kids.  April also included a visit from Aunt Nicole and a lot of fun time together.  Our church met the deadline for Easter Sunday and we celebrated along with our families at our new church gathering location downtown.  It is a beautiful space and we look forward to having it house many of our future activities!

May – Brought us a surprise Girls weekend from my sister-in-law and two cousins who came just exactly at the right time!  At the end of the month, we took a vacation to Lake Powell with my family where we rented a house boat and jet ski!  It was an incredible memory with my siblings, parents and grand parents!  We also painted our house…well our family Kim and Chris did for us!

June – Wedding week started out our month and the excitement continued as we welcomed Bri McCulley into our family.  Ben and Bri were married downtown KC on June 6th and it was a gorgeous day.  We could not be more happy about his wonderful wife!  We also celebrated the death of both of our cars and enjoyed buying two new vehicles that better fit our growing family.  Tony & I celebrated our 6th year anniversary and although not able to get away alone this year we anxiously await a weekend away at Hermann Hill once Angelina is done nursing.

July – Women’s Esther Bible study with friends downtown at New Life.  Anthony successfully went in the potty at 11 o’clock on a Sunday night just to get a sword from Walmart.  We spent lots of family time in preparation for Haiti.  Realized our lives have forever changed with two kids and work hard to keep up with life.  Last but not least – Levi came for a visit!

August – Tony and Levi headed for Haiti with the others from the youth group.  Sarah and kids went to Colorado to celebrate my cousins wedding in Montrose, CO!  We had an incredible time exploring the mountains.  Anthony caught his first fish in the Heister’s lake and rode a horse at my parent’s.  Dad and Mom spoiled the kids with a trip to the Aquarium and Denver Wildlife Experience.  We had a blast in Denver and enjoyed grandparents and all our family.  Anthony found Levi’s old box of dress up costumes and fell in love with Pirates and the Imaginary world.  We missed Tony and hated not being able to communicate (absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder).  We came home and anxiously awaited Tony’s arrival and couldn’t get our arms around him soon enough…we missed the rock of this family and do not plan on traveling separate anytime soon!   The end of the month brought Anthony’s 3rd birthday!  It is always a special time of year to celebrate the life of our wonderful son.  He is full of life and energy and keeps me on my toes from early morning to late at night!  He had a pirate party in the park that he still talks about.  All his friends dressed up in costumes and Tony took them on a pirate walk around the park.  It was a special day, I even dressed up for him!  Our darling little girl turned 6-months.  Her easy going personality is a breathe of fresh air in this crazy world!

September – Family Picture time and a month of rebuilding family.  After a very busy summer that pulled us apart we decided to end the summer laying low and just enjoying one another.  We took many date nights and enjoyed evening walks with the kids.  Tony and I spent many hours discussing our future and direction.  During this month an opportunity presented itself for Tony to change careers.  After many LONG hours and prayer we felt complete vision and direction for us to leave Ricoh and to join a company called eShipping in Parkville, MO.  Change is never easy, but this decision for us was very natural.  Tony had built growing relationship with the owner of eShipping, a man that Tony has come to respect.  We encourage you to look up www.eShipping.biz, it is a company that encourages so many of our core beliefes in business and life!

October –  The month started out with a very big suprise 30th birthday for Tony!  I totally shocked him and gathered over 90 of our friends and family at a local restraunt!  It was so much fun to be with many of our loved ones and celebrate the life of my husband.  It was amazing to look around the room at all the people whose life he has touched or been involved in.  He truly has a gift for relationships and knows how to love others.  It is one of the ways that I have seen the love of God in and through him, because it is not for pride or personal favor but an honest and genuine love and care for people.  After the party we spent a long weekend away in St Louis with my cousin and her husband the Vitale’s.  It was a breathe of fresh air after a big decision and changes we knew were coming!  We enjoyed the St Louis Zoo, Brewery, Itailian Food, and, best of all, time with people we love!  My birthday was much less eventful this year – praise the LORD!  We celebrated with a weekend in Denver where it was my grandfather’s 80th birthday!  It was a special day and we are so thankful for all my grandparents, we do pray for them constantly as they each have the pains of aging!  The rest of the month was spent at the pumpkin patch, play dates, and our favorite activity, time together!  Our Halloween costumes this year were the cutest leopard kitty cat and none other than Captain Jack Sparrow with mommy’s fake extensions and all!

November – This month’s highlights included lots of change with Tony starting his new job in Parkville, adjusting to the new commute and learning a whole new industry!  We had a special dinner to celebrate his first day!  We’ve enjoyed visiting him for lunch and having special time together.  We also enjoyed decorating the house early this year so we could enjoy the Christmas season as long as possible.  It is SO much fun with kids.  We also had a special Thanksgiving at the Totta home with all of the cousins!   This was a month of growth for us and being stretched by change and new beginnings!  The highlight of this month was Anthony getting potty trained.  He was very ready and picked it up very quickly!  I am so proud of my big boy, although his bum looks so small diaperless and he looks way to grown up, I’m happy….I wish I could pause life for a few months!    We had lots of sickness this month including Anthony’s chicken pox and Angelina’s ear infections.  It was a little confining for this stay at home always on the go mom =)!

December – The month and year are gone.  Christmas is over and I am just finalizing this letter.  As I reflect back on this month of life, it is exciting and joyful.  It is not a month I am ready to bury.  I never like to let go of the holidays and all the excitement.  We spent many days celebrating and preparing for Christmas.  Anthony and I had a tradition, every morning he would plug in the lights and I would start breakfast.  We would start off with our advent calander and eat the chocolate peice first before any other food!  I loved sharing this season with him.  We are all healthy and although life is not perfect, we have so much to be thankful for this year.  The Christmas experience was also very different for us this year.  We did not exchange gifts but did give our gift of money to buy for some families in need.  It was Tony’s year to pick the theme (a different family member each year gets to pick it).  After his time in Haiti and a growing disgust for our self-absorbed mentality.  He decided it was not time to lavishly give gifts to each other but instead help those in need.  We picked six families and were part of delivering baskets full of food and necessity items.  It was a very humbling experience for me and although I missed the shopping and being in the malls this holiday season, I felt much more focused on the reason for giving. On Christmas day we packed up our Christmas dinner and headed over to my grandparents who have moved next door to my parents and had a very special dinner and time laughing and singing together.  It was so sweet.  It was very powerful and I know will be a Christmas we never forget.

Thank you for letting us share a peice of our life from this past year.  I try to write this down and keep record so it can be a reminder of Christ’s faithfulness to in our lives.  We have so much to be thankful for and rarely take time to notice it.  This year will probably not go down as my favorite year of life, as many highs as you have read about there were ten lows.  The changes that came our way this year were many and the load larger than expected.  Our need and dependence for Christ is larger than ever and we seek to lean on him more every day!

We have many goals and dreams for 2010 and hope you do too.  We are thankful for you and the fact that you are journeying this life along with us and share in our joys and sorrows.  We love you and wish you a happy New Year!  Thank you to our family that constantly showers us with love and support with the kiddos!

Sarah

I wanted to share with you this powerful glimpse into my husbands experience of Haiti!   You can also see pictures from this trip at this websight

http://newlifehaiti2009.shutterfly.com/

Headed for GOD knows what….

After a crazy weekend, Monday and Tuesday, I was able to stay up all night to pack and complete some last minute tasks. It always, seems as though there isn’t time for everything, and there are always hundreds of “to do’s” clouding my mind when I do want to relax. For this reason, as well as, being apart from Sarah and the kids, I’m apprehensive about being “disconnected” for eight days. On the other hand, however, I anticipate living eight days of being truly connected to life without all of the distractions.

We loaded both cars and went to the airport…Levi and me heading for Haiti while Sarah, Anthony and Angelina flew to Grand Junction for KC’s wedding on Saturday. Our flight left first for Chicago where we barely caught our next flight to Miami. After a quick hour in Miami (during which i got on line!!! sold my old car, shot off 4-5 e-mails and spoke to both parents and Sarah) we loaded for the last leg of our journey promptly and on time…just to sit on the runway for an hour (BURNING UP) while we waited for a storm to pass over…miserable!

As we made the final approach to Part au Prince, I am honestly feeling a bit agnostic concerning this arrival in Haiti. Not because I’m unhappy or unexcited. In fact, I’m very excited, however I’ve been unable to place any type of expectation for this trip. The whole “open-hand” principle is great and true, but there is something lack-luster about not know what to expect. Again – on the other hand, the power of the principle is being out of control…so I’m going to Haiti and headed for God knows what!

Wow, Last night we finally arrived in Port au Prince, Haiti and began the foreign airport shuffle: complete entry forms for immigration, pray you have everything when you’re called to go through, go to baggage and collect enough suitcases to cloth and feed 16 people for eight days, herd everyone together and try to navigate through the crowd of overly helpful natives who want to carry luggage! Finally, we made it to an old yellow school bus that was to take us to Mission of Hope. By the way, none of this happened without a short overweight local man trying to collect $100 for leading us to the bus. Anyway, we loaded and were on our way through the town. People were everywhere and I felt bad, but was unable to keep myself, on the rest of our group from staring. We saw a group of guys chopping sugarcane, another lady grilled some type of meat which she, presumably, planned to sell, little kids smiled and waved with big white smiles, others sort of somberly starred into oblivion, chickens, pigs, dogs, and cows peppered the masses. We continued to a more rural part of the city where trash fortified the road on either side. Wherever it piled up, someone had lit it on fire which cast a putrid stench of billowing smoke in to the sky. Then we arrived at the Mission of Hope compound, where we were introduced to the staff, director and DINNER!!!!

We took a couple of hours visiting, settling in and eating. Then I was dead tired…it turns out that we all were and all turned in for the night and oh what a night – All I can say is that I’m really thankful that I was so tired because I couldn’t help but sleep, in spite of the still sweltering heat. The six-dollar, four-inch fan was my lifeline and all-in-all, it was a good first night.

This morning we got up early – I was up by 5:15 and the rest of the group by 6:15. It gets light around 5:30am and dark about 6:00pm Anyway, we had breakfast, had a fun together, discussed our night, sang together and took time to read, pray & journal. After that we toured the compound and were introduced to our work project…my favorite – painting!!! We were assigned to clean and paint the walls of the school house.

This afternoon we boarded up and went to a village just down the road. We split in two groups and walked through the village inviting kids to come meet up for a Bible lesson and songs. This place was crazy with a capital “C”…not in a weird crazy way, but an out of my world way. Yesterday, while we drove from the airport, I wondered if the Haitian people thought we were cool or obnoxious. Did they know our group was excited to see them or did we look like arrogant spoiled Americans condescending from our high perch in the bus? All that to say, that same question lingered in my mind as we entered the village. The kids quickly answered with open arms. If I had one hundred hands, I could have held one hundred and seventy-five kids, because I have six or so in the two hands I do have. I had two boys in particular stick to me like glue (the first was named Jim and I don’t know the other). The whole experience was cool and was highlighted when a mom handed me her four month old baby girl…it made me miss my Angelina.

We regrouped for songs and the children had fun. I felt sad for this one little boy who kept looking at me. He had blotches all over his face and arms of open infected sores caused by who knows what. When I would look at him and smile, he shamefully turned away. I wondered how this little boy would grow up, if he ever felt love and how far he would go in life and years.

We returned to the mission and visited the orphanage on site called the Hope House. We played tether ball, soccer and held little kids. I can’t begin to list all of the names for each child, but it seemed like four stood out: Benji, Dunston, Mizamella and a little girl whose name I can’t recall. (some of these names are out there!) A common topic among the kids seemed to be my chin – go figure.

Mike and I walked up a half mile to our lodge. As we walked, we discussed how conspicuous it was that the children we saw seemed to be happy and fulfilled in spite of the despicable hell around them. We are so accustomed to wanting…wanting more, new, refreshed or cutting edge, bigger, better ______. We don’t know the meaning of enough. For example, it occurs to me that if I was given one million dollars, I would easily be able to assign the majority of it to myself, my family, my future. What if I first considered what could be done outside myself? I have no clue what that looks like. I want my eyes to be open in the same way, they are as I look at these kids, in my everyday walk.

Sarah, I miss you! I am going to try and call this weekend.

This morning began early again when the fans turned off at 5:15am because the generator kicked off. Today seems like it’s going to be hotter than yesterday. I’m burdened for our group. I want so bad for God to break through our hearts and show Himself real in a new way. “Dear God please draw us to Yourself. I see you working – continue and light a fire in our midst today.” I read Matthew 6-8 this morning and am impressed that there is more power in the simple truth of the gospel than we realize…and that’s why we make it so complicated.

Well I forgot to journal the rest of the day and am having a hard time with details except the following: I began teaching the entire group “Bud Mitchell’s Estimation” and they all loved it. I played tether ball with my feet and got schooled…won a couple and was rocked in the head. At night we went to the Hope House to watch a movie with the orphans. We took “Shark Attack” with us, but the kids wanted to watch this movie called “Cheetah Girls”…holy cow, I got stupider in that hour! Anyway, my buddy Widler and new friend, Miseline, sat with me. Widler fell asleep in my arms and I went and tucked him in bed. (I should mention that while we watched the movie, we fed all of the kids a bowl of Pringles, which was the snack of the week. They kept offering me their chips and persisted to share…they are both very sweet kids.) Shortly after, Miseline, fell asleep as well and I took her to her bed.

On Saturday morning we got up and went through the regular routine, but instead of painting, we left early for a little town to visit another village of kids. We drove through this crazy market area where all the locals go for everything…basically an outdoor supermarket. When we arrived in this little rural village, we got out and crossed the river in order to hike two miles to the “big tree” for another gathering. A little girl named Farah came along and fell asleep in my arms. I carried her all the way until we returned. We saw banana plants, among other fruit trees. When left and stopped in town right by the market. We waled through the market and around the back of some buildings to their homeless shelter called “Grace House”…all I have to say in that our homeless shelters look like Taj Mahal in comparison. We weren’t there long and left after a blind man played a song on his harmonica. While we headed to an orphanage a couple blocks away called “The Good Samaritan”, two of our people were able to give the homeless some fresh water.

We had a great time at The Good Samaritan orphanage where I connected with two boys, Watson and Kevinson. Our group acted the story of Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego. The kids loved it and when we were done, my two little guys ran back to me. After spending some time there playing, we returned to Mission of Hope and went to the Hope House again. I once again attempted foot tether ball. Soon Widler ran out and yelled “Tony”. He came and jumped in my lap. Then he ran back to his room. I was kind of sad that he didn’t want to hang out. My other friend, Miseline, came out and sat by me. Shortly after, Widler came running out with two pictures that he had colored for me. He brought them over and unfolded them in pride and anticipated my response. Then he just wanted to sit in my lap. Miseline went and got paper and a pencil and began to draw and the color a beautiful picture. She finished and wrote at the top, “to Tony I love you God bless Tony”. This was amazing and their love and desire to bless me was humbling.

Sunday worship – Wow, awesome, majesty, Heaven – any or all could be used to describe the session of corporate worship. The service was scheduled to begin at 9:30 am with the disclaimer that it was Haitian time. This probably explains why we didn’t get going until 9:45ish. They welcomed the visitors. We then entered a session of song that took us before the throne of God. I was caught in an anthem of praise, reflection and humility. Just then, my eye was caught by a Haitian woman, in my row, who was on her head and knees weeping in reverent humility. Another man celebrated his freedom in Christ by dancing in the aisle. I was most moved when I heard the orphan girl next to me, Miseline, singing at the top of her lungs “Let the weak say I am strong, let the poor say I am rich…” As we stood singing, the wind blew through the open air structure with the mountains in the background dotted by cattle, horses and small shacks. The smell of burning trash from miles away steeped the air as a reminder of the vile and decrepit, lost and needy human existence outside the compound.

Today, so far, has probably been the most heart-wrenching of all. We went through the regular routine and had lunch, but then we went to see the new property donated by the Haitian government to Mission of Hope. They plan to move “The Grace House”, add a second medical clinic and other stuff. It was a flat 50-acres right on the water. We drove as far as we could and then walked the remainder of the way through a banana forest. We all stood on the shoreline and watched as about 70-80 children came running through the banana plants – it was beautiful! Similar children: poor, half-dressed, smiling and dying for love. Then, we returned to The Good Samaritan orphanage. Little Watson and Kevinson came running up to me. I held them until they went to eat the second of two daily meals. Then I found out that they only have three months left on their lease. Unless they’re able to get their new facility completed, they will close and put the kids out. This, of course, was very emotional, but was magnified a few minutes later. I was standing in back and met the director, Madam Lucien. I was asking about a little boy sleeping in a crib. His name in Luke and he is five months old. Myriam was standing by me holding a baby named Rebekah. Coleman, stood not far away holding a little ten month old boy named Alex. These three babies, plus one more did not have milk for today. My heart was wrenched inside and I wanted to bring them all home with me. There are one hundred and twenty-nine children in all. I ran through the market with Fabio. We were able to buy enough formula to get them through today and will take more from the mission tomorrow. As I wrap up the day, it’s really difficult not to feel guilty about how stinking good I have it or what my complaints so often are. Never in my life have I wondered where I’ll sleep or what I’ll eat. I am directing myself to thank God for His goodness and expanding my heart even though the stretch is uncomfortable and painful.

Well it’s here – Beach Day!!! We loaded up and headed out. On the way, we were able to stop, once more, stop at The Good Samaritan orphanage in order to drop off some more formula for the four babies. Myr and I went in with eleven cans of formula. The director was not there, so we gave it to one of the mommies. Little Rebekah was crying in her crib. It was great to see that she had a wet diaper and dried formula around her lips! It was still, however, hard not to stay to hold and comfort her…the mommy said she needed someone to hold her, but no one was available. Little Luke sat on the floor crying. I went and picked him up for a few seconds. He didn’t have a diaper or pants on. We walked out, once more, with heavy hearts that we couldn’t spend more time there or bring them home with us. However, we were comforted that we were able to help. Anyway, we continued to the resort on the beach and unloaded in excitement. The view was gorgeous and we scouted out a spot to ourselves. Things were pretty normal. Levi and Jake decided to swim out and around the divider. They were gone for a little bit and I got the hunch that I should go check them out. Before I could, get over there, Jake came around the corned and motioned for me to come quickly. I hurried around the rocks and saw Levi standing there with half of his face covered in blood. Apparently, they wanted to get a coconut down from the tree and were throwing rocks at it. Jake threw one and it bounced off and hit Levi in the head. Part of me was frustrated because they knew they weren’t supposed to be over there, but the other part laughed inside because they were just being guys and exploring. They both felt dumb and Jake felt absolutely terrible! Anyway, I got Levi cleaned up and we enjoyed the rest of the day. We snorkeled, played in the water and had contests throwing rocks at the boundary markers around the swim area.

We returned to the mission and I went to the Hope House to see my kiddos one last time. We spent a few minutes talking as good as we could. Wilder gave me another picture and Miseline drew another as well. She also wrote a little note on the top. I gave both of them, as well as, Jeff a hug and had someone tell them, in their language, that this was good bye and we would be leaving the next day. They all were sad, but Widler was the least emotional. The wiredest thing happened…I started getting chocked up. This caught me off guard. These kids had somehow reached in and attached to my heart. I said bye, walked out of the courtyard and then broke down. Both then and now, I wondered why it was so hard, but I cried hard. Just about the time I got it all together, under the discrete cover of my sunglasses, I heard “Tony”. I turned around and saw Miseline and Jeff running toward me. I stopped and they ran up and gave me a hug. Jeff didn’t want to look at me, so I held him close and he sobbed. Miseline starred of, sat on my knee and tears ran down her face. I prayed with them and told each of them that God would be with them and I would be praying for them and loved them. That time was hard to turn away, but I did and looked back once and saw Jeff walk over, lean against the building and cry. I waved and they each waved back.

It’s amazing that the little things you least expect, God can use to make a life-altering difference in the landscape of who we are. On the way down to Haiti, I asked people to pray that my trust and vision would be expanded and that I would gain a greater love. Heart-stretching is painful but necessary in gaining a greater capacity for love. God used these little, helpless and vulnerable kids to answer my prayer. When I entered Haiti, all I could see was the trash, mess and utter ciaos. All I could smell was the stench of burning trash, rotting food, unclean bodies and dirty animals. All I could hear was the ridiculous horn-obsessed drivers, the cries of people selling their goods and our own judgments, laughter and questions. As I leave, there is a piece of my heart that will remain. I now see people lost in the hopeless traditions of Voodoo, the depravity Satan & sin bring to their subjects and a remnant whose lives burn bright with the light and hope of Christ. All the smells are pretty much the same, but now carry memories with them…memories of holding half-dressed, love-deprived, smiling village kids, of trailing through a banana forest with our group and a bunch of orphans, of braving the market to get life-sustaining formula to little babies with no other hope, of a poor man, broken woman and orphan girl, with eyes closed, in raptured worship before the God who set them free and gave them hope and a family. Finally, I hear differently, I hear the crazy horn-obsessed drivers and just smile at the picture that comes to mind. I hear the laughter of kids with hope, cries of people in need and the silence of our group as we contemplate what we’ve seen, heard and experienced over the past eight days. It’s fitting that a holy, omniscient and personal God would take us to a third-world country dedicated to Satan in order to show us Himself and His power. Thank God for Haiti and as we return, may we never forget!

I think it pertinent to include one last entry: I returned a little over a week ago and, as is typical in American life, I’ve not made time to reflect or journal. On the plane ride back, I was overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts. It actually might be more accurate to say, I just felt numb and unsure of what to do with all I had just experienced. I knew I couldn’t simply return to self-focused indulgence, but I was unsure of what to do…how to reconcile the raw state I found myself in, after an eight day tenderizing process, with the cut-throat dog-eat-dog competition-driven society to which I was returning. Anyway, somewhere in the midst of that flurry of thoughts, the lady next to me began to share. I had introduced myself and, in my excitement, shared a few highlights of our trip. Anyway, almost out of the blue she shared that she lost her thirty-five year old daughter, Arika, in January due to cancer and she was looking for God to do something big for her. We had a deep discussion for the next hour and a half and left encouraged. I committed to pray for her and her son-in-law and his boy, her eight year old grandson. I told her that God used her need and transparency to remind me that I wasn’t leaving a place of need (Haiti) to come to a place of perfection (USA). There are people every single day and we pass in our regular routine that hurt deeply, need love and need God. My prayer is becoming, not just that God would use me to help restore hope through His love to Haiti, but to the person next to me as well.

Wow, it has been so hard to STOP and write in this blog over the last four months.  Some of that has been totally unintentional and some of it has been intentional.  There have been a thousand things I feel I could have shared little amazing family moments, small lessons from God, and many moments I have all out LOST control!  But, I never stopped and did it!  I have so many things on my “to do” list and it officially NEVER gets done.  To someone who is run or controlled by that list this has been a life changing event for me.  I believe I was playing house with one baby and now have entered total chaos with two kids.  I am someone who likes to have it all “together” – you know have things picked up on the surface and below, bible study done, kids fed, dressed and happy, myself showered, dressed and happy, dinner ready!  You know all the wonderful things you see in the movies and something I accomplished well up until February and Angelina’s birth.  WELL, NOT ANYMORE!  So, today after almost 5 grueling and yet amazing months God has told me to STOP!

 Not only has He asked me to STOP chasing this perfect family dream, but most of my desires.  I have felt like asking him for the last few months to just STOP and leave me alone!  Just to let me have life my way and to relax on this whole journey thing…I’m not going anywhere and I was kinda fine with that while I gathered our lives together!  God didn’t agree, he loves me way to much to STOP.  So my thoughts today include this, GOD will not STOP life and will never stop persuing us even when we do as his children.  He has told me to STOP trying to live in this world and not be seperate from it.  The way we do life will be different especially in our priorities.  God has been working us over and stirring us up so much we have no idea what he is preparing us for, but he is definatly taking us to a deeper levels of trust.  It is painful!  ’Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of; they tend to turn some of the weeds to the surface.  I was just unaware of how many weeds I had in my life!  

He remains faithful.  Please remember to STOP and take in life.  Our Savior will never STOP teaching us and removing the weeds and strongholds in our lives!  STOP and have coffee or pour into the life of someone else you will feel amazing and probably be more blessed than you can imagine…even if the laundry doesn’t get done until tomorrow!

I have had very few moments where I feel like I have caught my breathe long enough to just look around and realize how good God is.  Today (sunday), although very busy God showed me that again.  This morning I had the rare opportunity to give Angelina a bath alone before church.  I looked down and realized OMW I have a precious baby girl…GOD YOU ARE SO GOOD!  She loves the bath and was so happy and just looked at me and smiled as if she knew too had good life was at this very moment.  Although the moment passed quickly it is one I will not forget.  I looked around today at saw many babies who were even a few months older than Angelina and realized this time is going SOO fast already.  We have enjoyed one month together and already I am captivated and in LOVE.  I am not the only one, Anthony and Tony have joined me in this amazing love for her.  She is so special and an answer to prayer.  We also were able to take part in a baby dedication service at church which had me pondering WHY.  Why dedicate a baby, my two gifts from God?  I realized again when thinking about this that God has given me a special life for a short time to cherish, nurture, and teach.  It is a huge responsibility.  A love so intense that if asked I would die for it.  A love that looks different everyday in the life of Angelinia it looks like cuddling, keeping secure, feeding, changing diapers, and just nurturing the basic needs of her life.  A love for Anthony that looks like feeding, changing a much bigger diaper, loving and TEACHING ALL DAY LONG and answering WHY more times than I can count.  God placed these two in my HOME and HEART with a big responsibility.  Today many of our family and friends joined us in a prayer for our children that there life would love and know our heavenly father who offers us eternal life!

Another  reminder came this past week some close friends of ours had an incredible opportunity to open their home to a New Life…it came in the form of a 2 day old baby girl.  Our friends have been through foster to adopt classes and the call came this past wednesday.  Without ANY information they said yes to taking a new life into there home and possibly into the rest of there lives.  It is amazing how easy it is to love a new little life.  It is so fresh, adorable, cuddly, needy, and somehow just LOVING!  

I have seen how a new life can bond people and tear them apart.  It is so hard not to rush immediately to a friends hospital room when I hear they are have had a new baby.  The same is true when someone I love is ill and there gift of life is in jeopardy or may come to an end.  All this to say God has placed us here for a reason and whatever season of life you find yourself in God is the giver of your life and that alone is WORTHY to be praising him!  There is a song that says “Let everything that hath breath, PRAISE THE LORD”  That is what I want to do today!  

Father, I praise you Lord for my life, the life of my family who gave me life.  The life of my husband and son, this new life inside of me.  The lives you allow me to touch and come in contact with, THANK YOU LORD for the gift of life!

Love You!